Okay, I did it. \u00a0I just kept on keeping on. \u00a0I did it alone and I did it for a long time. \u00a0Nobody told me how or told me to stop trying. \u00a0So I did it all. \u00a0I had babies and kept them alive. \u00a0I had a life and friends and a home and things. \u00a0I even had tupperware. \u00a0Fake tupperware, but serviceable. \u00a0I had pets and bible studies and parties and I baked thanksgiving turkeys which served guests on matching plates. \u00a0And I filled out FAFSAS and worked for the summers and bought used cars and packed them full and went on road trips. \u00a0I cried when I moved away from home and I left my Mom and Dad. \u00a0I graduated colleges and succeeded at teaching jobs and failed at jobs I wish I hadn’t.<\/p>\n
If I did cease to exist on this planet and went on to bigger and better things, finally, I could say that I did good things. \u00a0I could say that I accomplished a lot. \u00a0I could say that I cooked a mean turkey and knew how to raise babies. \u00a0I could say I went to some great schools and know how to fill out a form or two.<\/p>\n
I could also say, though, that I am afraid that I haven’t done enough. \u00a0I can say that I am afraid that for the sake of doing the best by my children, I have not done the best by myself or rather for myself. \u00a0I really don’t know. \u00a0Somehow it is all a blur of survival and happiness, survival and joy, survival and succession, survival and next, next, next. \u00a0There has never been time for thought or planning or questions about what should be next, only what is next. \u00a0Next just inevitably comes at every turn, without fear or wondering. \u00a0Next happens whether I am ready or not.<\/p>\n
And then there has always been my struggle. \u00a0My constant in this world is that I can not maintain the physical world the same way others do. \u00a0The physical to me is like a runaway pet. \u00a0I try to keep it under control, tie it up, keep it tame, as it were, and it always gets away from me. \u00a0I try to hide the out of control, ugly shameful hinderance and it always shows itself. \u00a0I went years without it showing. \u00a0I fooled the world. \u00a0I even made children with my physical body. \u00a0But I couldn’t hide it for long. After a time, the ugly showed again, the struggle came back, and I had to fight again. \u00a0Then I had another short run of time without a fight. \u00a0And then, again, a struggle. \u00a0And then death and life again. \u00a0It is my pattern. \u00a0and every time I repeat the pattern of win, fight, death, life, cheat, run, hide, strife, struggle. \u00a0And again: win, fight, death, life, cheat, run, hide, strife, struggle – it gets a little worse, a bit harder to do, to maintain. \u00a0And every time I pull through the victor of my own challenge, I am a little more tired, a littlle more weary of the fight, the struggle, the challenge of this life.<\/p>\n
If I could stay asleep a bit longer sometimes, I would. \u00a0I need the good dreams of this waking life to keep me interested and excited. \u00a0My children are my dream now. \u00a0I have done everything else. \u00a0And I have no more future than them. \u00a0I am excited about their future. \u00a0They give me my reasons for staying and fighting. \u00a0Or, quite simply, I woulnd’t. \u00a0It is just too hard a fight without them.<\/p>\n
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Okay, I did it. \u00a0I just kept on keeping on. \u00a0I did it alone and I did it for a long time. \u00a0Nobody told me how or told me to stop trying. \u00a0So I did it all. \u00a0I had babies and kept them alive. \u00a0I had a life and friends and a home and things. … Continue reading Ready or Not, Here Next Comes<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":25,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-29","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/marina.troxell.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/marina.troxell.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/marina.troxell.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marina.troxell.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marina.troxell.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=29"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/marina.troxell.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":31,"href":"https:\/\/marina.troxell.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/29\/revisions\/31"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marina.troxell.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/25"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/marina.troxell.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=29"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marina.troxell.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=29"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marina.troxell.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=29"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}